After he leaves, sit and shiver. Tell yourself it was just a dream. Close your eyes. Sigh. Tell yourself it didn’t really happen. That it was just a nightmare. Tell yourself you took a shower because you wanted to wash the sweat away from the dream. Get up. Go to the living room. Start a fire; watch it slowly die. Tell yourself you just aren’t ready to go to sleep again.
Scoff at the sun when it rises hours later and peeks through your curtains. Demand from the empty room why the sun has to shine today. Say there’s nothing to shine about. Accidentally on purpose knock the glass on the end-table to the floor. Watch it shatter. Say you understand.
Take another shower. Scrub your body until your skin hurts. Watch the redness disappear from your flesh. Wish you could disappear, too.
Skip the make-up and the hair. Don’t touch the fancy clothes. Tell yourself those things aren’t for ‘Blue Girls’. Opt instead for sweats. Tell yourself you just want to be comfortable. Ignore the real reason.
Walk out to your car. Start the engine. Go to the grocery store. Don’t make eye-contact with anyone. When you see a man, turn down another isle. Tell yourself it’s because you aren’t wearing any make-up. Inside, know the fear. Push it down; don’t let it up.
Go to the check-out lane. Choose the shortest one. Put your things on the belt. Look up. See that it’s a man who is the clerk. Fight the urge to turn tail and run. When it’s your turn, walk up to him. Refuse to make eye-contact. He smiles and asks how you’re doing. Reply that you’re fine. Notice his name’s Bob. Pay for your things and fight not to run out of the store.
By your car, you see your best girl-friend. She waves you over. You walk up to her. She asks if you want to go out to lunch. You go.
She asks if you’re feeling alright on the way home; that you didn’t say much at the restaurant. Tell her you’re just having a lazy day. Watch as she nods in understanding. Think she’s a bitch for it and want to slap her.
When you get to your house, invite her inside for coffee. Hope she doesn’t notice the broken glass on the floor.
She asks how your date went last night with Joe. Stop what you’re doing in mid-action. Pray she doesn’t see your hands shake.
Open your mouth to tell her it was fine and that you had fun with him. Instead, tell her everything that happened. Tell her how he barged his way in. Tell her how he handled you. Tell her what he did to you. Watch in shocked horror as her hands fly up to cover her mouth as tears prick her eyes and she says how sorry she is. Throw yourself at her, wrapping your arms around her tightly like the Earth is about to fall away from under your feet. Feel how she does the same.
Know that it’s gonna be alright. Let the healing being.
Cry.
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